A few days ago I posted a blog post titled The Hmong Girl's Guide to Avoid Living WithThe In-Laws. If you read it, you know that it was just a fun expression of the struggles of living within two cultures. The post blew up quite a bit on social media and it was shared around Facebook more than I anticipated. I wished I was able to engage with people as they responded to it. Many people enjoyed it while a few others took my words the wrong way. This is a follow-up to that post.
My mom only knew one way to raise up daughters. It was the way she was raised and the way her mom was raised. Hmong girls were taught to cook, clean and care for the family. There is one path for Hmong girls and that was a path to serve and care for your husband, in-laws and children. Though others might disagree, this is how I interpreted it growing up. Even in our rebellion, my mom tried to teach us these values.
Two of my aunts used to try to pair us up with someone as early as our teenage years. How many girls are pursuing marriage at that age? One aunt once told me she would buy me a car if I married her son. I declined. The other aunt gave us advice on the importance of looks and appearance to facilitate catching a husband. I never believed in their flattery even though I used to believe marriage and building a family was the end goal. My entire world--culture, church, and society--tells me that there is fulfillment in marriage. Only my mom never taught this to me. My mom wasn't in a hurry to see us married. If she is concerned about our singleness then she has never voiced it. She tried to raise us to be good daughters but she never encouraged dating. Her advice growing up was simple:
“Value your education."
"Don’t date.”
These words sound prohibitive but these words have given me more freedom as a single woman. My mom came from a place where girls did not have the same privileges and opportunities as boys. In the U.S., we had what she never had, an education. She coveted our education and lived that dream through us. I didn't mind because her expectations were realistic. We were expected to learn and use what we learned. If we dated, she didn't stop us. She taught us to be cautious.
To be honest, I wonder why she raised us this way. Since my childhood, I have witnessed her joys and her struggles as a Hmong woman because she has only known to walk a path bounded by culture and saving face. Her life was constantly being pulled by expectations and duty. Sometimes I hear her groaning and I wonder what she longs for. My mom is no where near perfect but I am thankful for her effort to provide for us another path that strays from the expected path of a Hmong daughter. She believed our education gave us independence and the tools to navigate this strange new world. It’s not that she never wants us to marry or date—she has made allusions to our future weddings before—she just wanted us to have the freedom to choose our own way.
Her advice mobilized me to choose a different journey. I'm grateful that she doesn't expect or pressure me to pursue marriage. I'm grateful that she has taught me the values of service and hospitality, two Hmong cultural gifts that are relevant in all areas of our lives, not just in our own home or marriage.
My mom's advice is not the cause of my current status. It granted me the freedom to be single. I'm single today because I can be.
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Saturday, June 27, 2015
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culture /
expectations /
singleness
