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| This is a different Urbana from the one I described. This is from 2012. |
A rare occasion indeed to be standing with 16,000 people
praising God and I was heartbroken. I
had a hard enough time being vulnerable in a small group setting and it just so
happens that the one time I decide to break down into tears, 16,000 people were
present. It was a relief to know that I was merely a person in the crowd
reacting emotionally to a good worship set. The leader had invited all of us to
worship in the Asian American style, I was excited to find out what that looked
like. As each song was sung, my anticipation waned and disappointment settled in. First Hillsong, then Chris Tomlin, then Hillsong, then another song
with a very similar sound.
All right, before I move on, I should mention that I don’t
like Hillsong mostly because we sang their music all the time. I once looked at the worship set to a conference for mostly Asian Americans and 90% of the songs were Hillsong. I'm not kidding! I will admit
that at that time, I was going through an “I Hate Hillsong” phase and I refused
to sing any of their songs. I usually don't complain about it and I won't judge worship leaders if they want to sing their songs. It's just my preference.
Anyway, this time, it was different. It was not because I was so
annoyed with the music that I cried about it. I was upset. How could this be
Asian American worship? I know the point of the leader’s description of Asian
American worship was about how we worship and creating a space for people to
focus on God and not about the style of music. I get it and accept that but something
was still missing. Maybe it wasn’t unique to Asian Americans or it didn’t reflect
Asian Americans collectively?
During the worship set, I remembered conversations with some
of my Hmong American peers about our culture. As the only Christian in many of
these conversations, I realized my insensitivity because I didn’t know how to
reconcile culture and faith. I grew up in a very different world from my Hmong
American friends and I didn’t understand how important Hmong culture and
religion shaped their identity. I realized the brokenness of an identity crisis,
the brokenness in our Hmong churches and what the cost of following Jesus for
my friends looked like. If you’re Hmong and you decide you want to be a Christian, you
don’t just go home and tell your family. That’s how you hurt people. This isn’t
true for everyone, but it happens a lot and is a common barrier that keeps
people from entering the kingdom.
In high school, I remembered a Hmong friend told me that she
wanted to marry a Christian so she can become a Christian. According to Hmong
customs, you adopt your husband’s religion when you marry. Of course, as a 16
years old teenager and naïve, I told her something about it being her own decision not
anyone else’s. I didn’t say anything
wrong, but I clearly didn’t understand her.
My thoughts comes from the idea that we have made
Christianity look a certain way that people perceive it as a religion that
strips them of who they are. It’s about having a new identity as children of
God. I once shamelessly told a friend that my Hmong identity didn’t matter. That was a huge blunder. Instead
of just saying I’m a child of God, it’s probably better to say I am a Hmong
child of God.
If my friends were present during that worship session, I
think they might have enjoyed it and even participated. They are open-minded
people. If they were given the choice to trade their identity for that, then they may not be as open.
This is one of the problems for the Hmong American church. It
is a difficult subject to discuss. Maybe so difficult that we have ignored the
Hmong communities around us and focused on communities overseas where we can
minister from a safe distance.
We don't have answers to our questions but I have hope. There is hope in God’s transforming
love that compels us to serve and love our neighbor. I have worked with students who are
wrestling with these issues and care deeply for their friends. More church
leaders are starting to think about this now too!
That worship session was the beginning of my calling. I resonated a lot with Isaiah as he recognized his sins and
the call he heard. Reminded of God’s holiness and glory, I also recognized my
sins. I did not love my people. As a leader, I talked about reaching Hmong students
but I never did it. (When I think back, I think it was my campus staff worker who always initiated these conversations with me. I wasn't proactive about it.) Because of my ignorance and insensitivity, I was pointing
them away from Jesus. In that moment, God was asking, “Whom
shall I send? And who will go for us?” and I made a decision that day to go.
When I reflect back, there is a purpose to the experiences I
had with my friends. It was because of them, I discovered myself and developed compassion
for the Hmong community. It was also through the college ministry I was a part
of that I even begun to try figuring things out. It was Urbana 09’s musical
worship experience that morning that brought everything together. Although I didn’t fully enjoy
it, I appreciated it for what I received from it. I’ll even thank Hillsong too!
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It took me 4.5 years and a couple hours to write this entry. As I thought about my future in ministry, I revisited these thoughts. Since that time, I wanted to express how I felt about Asian American worship but I had no idea what it looked like. I made it clear that I didn't like it at Urbana but I respect the Asian American leaders who are figuring it out. The more I thought about it, the more perplexed I was about it. I'm okay with that. Asian Americans are diverse and rich in culture. It's not suppose to be easy!
Also I love Urbana! I think it's a great missions conference and think everyone should go!
